What He Was Really Thinking
by PhantomFlutePlayer
Summary: REWRITTING!Well, we saw what happened through Harry's eyes in the Half Blood Prince, but what was really going through Snapes head. Major Spoilers You have been warned
1. His Worst Fear

A/N: takes deep breath I am really sorry for abandoning this story. I just got so caught up with school this past year that I have had no time for updates. Now that I have time, I have discovered how much my theory has changed. I still beleive that Snape is innocent, but I will probably wind up changing quite a bit as I go along. Please bear with me and have patience with me as I rewrite and continue this fic. I do beleive that I will have a little more time once this school year starts. I only have 3 classes that would actually give homework so that is a nice break from my junior year. Reviews give me fuel to go on also. Even if they are critique, I really appreciate them. The only thing I don't appreciate are flames. So without further ado, may I present to you my rewritten chapters of "What He was Really Thinking"

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Severus Snape couldn't believe that he was in his current position. He stood there looking at the scene before him. He saw Albus on the ground in front of Draco. In all his years of spying he had hoped that it would never come to this. Without putting any real thought into it he moved forward and shoved Malfoy out of the way. He recalled his earlier conversation with Albus, in the forbidden forest. 

Severus, it is no secret that I am getting no younger. I know I am a major target for death eater attacks. I also know about the unbreakable vow you had to make with Narcissa. Severus, you cannot compromise your position as spy. Severus tried to protest. Albus cut him off and continued. You also know that I am dying. The dark magic the horcrux contained is killing me. If it wern't for you, I would be dead already. I am ordering you to Severus. Severus shouted "You're taking too much for granted Albus! I don't want to do it anymore! I don't think I can take it! Please don't make me play this role anymore!" Albus replied, "You agreed to do it and that's all there is to it." He recalled Albus then going on to order him to investigate the house of Slytherin as if the previous conversation hadn't happened.

In another conversation, he protested yet again saying, "What good am I as a spy if no one knows that this is on your orders! How are they to believe any reports I give them.!" Albus calmly replied to him, "Remember all the former headmasters and headmistresses have portraits on the wall. I will tell them through that when the time comes. Please Severus, you've got to do this." Feeling defeated, the subject was closed once and for all.

Now, he saw his biggest fear as of late. He saw the man who had given him a second chance on the ground in front of him. Albus spoke, "Severus…" The way it was spoken gave him chills. He knew that he had to kill him. "Severus…please…" He knew he was trying to make it sound as if he were begging for his life, but he was the only one who knew that Albus was referring to their earlier conversation. He was begging him to take his life for the sake of everyone. His outward appearance was etched with hate, but inside it was just hate at himself for what he was about to do. He raised his wand and pointed it at Albus, and spoke the words, "Avada Kedavra!" He watched as the green light hit him square in the chest and he went flying over the battlements out of Severus's sight.

He grabbed Malfoy, and mechanically snapped, "Out of here quickly." He heard footsteps pounding behind him Sure enough, it was Potter. He had made it out onto the grounds and knew that he would have to face him. He stopped and yelled, "Run Draco!" He knew that as his vow dictated, he had to protect Draco. Potter kept on yelling jinxes, figures that he wouldn't remember all the stuff on wordless magic that he had been taught. He blocked them all easily. How he would love to tell Potter that he was on his side, but he couldn't. It was too dangerous for him. Even if he wasn't overheard, Potter wouldn't have the sense not to spread it around to all of his friends, neighbors, and complete strangers whose side he was on. Honestly, the boy had no common sense, just like his father. While blocking Potter's jinxes he yelled instructions disguised as insults, "No Unforgivable Curses from you Potter. You havn't got the nerve or the abliity!" He needed to save some innocence in him, until he had to use them against the Dark Lord. Potter kept on yelling Curses outloud. Out of pure frustration this time he yelled, "Blocked again and again and again until you learn to keep your mouth shut and your mind closed Potter!" Just as Potter tried doing another jinx, he saw one of his fellow Death Eaters hit him with the Crucitus Curse. It was all he could do not to attack his companion. "No!" He disguised the reason for his yell. "Have you forgotten our orders? Potter belongs to the Dark Lord -- we are to leave him! Go! Go!"

Finally Potter got an intense look of concentration on his face. He was doing wordless magic. He had to defend himself, "No, Potter!" He screamed. The boy didn't know what he was messing with. What enraged him further was he was starting to use the spell that he, Severus Snape, invented. "You dare use my own spels against me, Potter?" he questioned him. "It was I who invented them – I the Half-Blood Prince! And you'd turn my inventions on me. Like your filthy father, would you? I don't think so…no!" He exclaimed as Harry dived for his wand. Harry was a plenty capable wizard, though hardheaded. He heard Potter say in a hoarse voice, "Kill me then, Kill me like you killed him, you coward!" He felt a rage boil up in him. He was risking it all still, and Potter dare call him a coward! He screamed "DON'T CALL ME A COWARD!" He threw Potter to the ground. Then that damned Hippogriff started chasing him. He was getting all scratched up. He knew he would be lucky to get out of this alive. He sprinted to the edge of the Hogwarts property, found Draco waiting outside, and apparated away with him to safety.


	2. Safety

A/N: There actually wasn't that much to edit in this one. I am pretty happy about that. (Though this one doesn't have that much theory in it either.) I hope you like it.

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Severus apparated to the first place he could think of. Very few people knew of his cottage in Scotland, so he decided upon that as the best place to lay low. He knew it would be just foolhardy to try to contact any members of the order right now. He wouldn't dare contact them for a few months, until he was sure that the portrait of Dumbledore had awoken and explained what really happened. Until then, he would stay in hiding, protect Draco, and absorb as much information as possible from the Death Eaters. He wondered if Potter would believe the portrait of Albus. At the thought of his name a deep pain wrenched in his gut. 

A voice startled him out of his reverie. It was Draco. "Sir, what are we going to do now?" "Draco, we lay low for a while. We only leave this area if summoned to the Dark Lord." He did not yet want Draco to know of his true loyalties. Not unless he was absolutely sure that Draco wanted none more to do with Lord Voldemort. "Sir, is this your place?" Draco asked. Nodding, Severus answered, "Yes, it is a little known vacation spot, which the Snape family has had for a couple hundred years. We need not worry about being found. The only one who ever knew of this spot is dead." The only other person that had known of that spot was Albus himself. His heart ached inside for the fatherly figure to him through him, though he showed no outward appearance of it. He turned to Draco, "Come," and led him inside.

Inside was a small entryway, and just beyond that was a large living area. On the back wall was a fireplace. On either side of the room there were doorways. One lead down a hall with two bedrooms off it, and the other led into the kitchen. He escorted Draco to his room. The walls were a dark shade of green, a typical Slytherin color. The bed was full sized with a black comforter on it. There was a window looking out onto the hillside outside the house. One wall had a bookshelf, though it was scarce of books. Noticing that Draco was injured, he proceeded to heal Draco, then himself. Both of them had nasty scratches and bruises, though no more. Leaving Draco, he headed to his own room. He had a few spare sets of robes here for whenever he was to visit. He quickly transformed a set of them to fit Draco, and tossed them on Draco's bed, wordlessly. As he went back into his room, he observed it. It had been a while since he had been here. The walls of his room were black. The bed was king sized and had a green comforter on it. On the wall opposite the door, a massive bookshelf stood. It was full of books. They were all of Severus's personal collection. He was an avid book reader, and spent much of his time reading. He sighed. With the Dark Lord's second rising, and trying to steer Draco away from the dark arts, and protecting Potter's ass, there would be no time for reading. How he wished he had never made the foolish choice of becoming a Death Eater. He tore himself away from his thoughts. Now was not the time for these speculations.

He strode out of his room. He went into the kitchen where he looked in the fridge. Amazingly enough, this place had a fridge, though it was magic modified. The fridge was a handy little creation that muggles had invented. The fridge was charmed to keep food permanently fresh. For instance, you could have made a stew 15 years before and put it in that fridge, and it would still be good. He grabbed some items for a salad out of the bins at the bottom of the fridge. He prepared a salad for himself and Draco, not having the energy to fix anything else. He handed the salad to Draco, and they ate in silence, neither of them wishing to speak of the events earlier.

Exhaustion weighed heavily on them and both retired to their rooms vowing to talk more about it tomorrow. Severus picked up a worn book from his shelf. It was a one of a kind book. It contained every potion ever invented, and each time a new one was invented, it was added into the book. He had read it many times. Albus had given it to him when he had agreed to become potions master of Hogwarts. His heart ached, though he couldn't cry. So many years of hiding his feelings left him unable to display emotion in that way. For a while he just stood there reflecting on all the good deeds that Albus had done for him in the years past, then at last put the book on the shelf, and put the memories out of reach of Voldemort. He had a job to do, and as he slid into bed, he vowed to himself, and Dumbledore's spirit not to fail on the pains of death.

A/N: Reviews make the author happy. Happy Authormore inspired author. More inspired authormore chapters written hopefully.


	3. Meeting with Voldemort

A/N:Ch 3 rewritten! yay! The longest chapter yet. I added a few more paragraphs to this chapter. I hope you like!

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Severus awoke with a moan. He couldn't help it. It had finally sunk in. He had killed his mentor, everyone from the Order hated him, and in short he was screwed. Yes he was going to be in Voldemort's Inner Circle, but what good would that do him if he had no one to report to. Though, he knew he had to beg to the Dark Lord for forgiveness, himself and Draco. He had to beg for forgiveness for completing Draco's task for him, and Draco had to beg for forgiveness for not completing it. His hatred of Voldemort surfaced. He knew he had to control it, should the Dark Lord search is mind, as he knew he would. He knew he had to steer Draco away from the dark arts, but how. Draco had to keep his innocence. He did not want Draco to wind up like his father, the complete bastard father that had turned Severus to the death eaters. For right now he had to act completely loyal to the Dark Lord at all times except for when he was in this room, his private sanctum. If he let on to Draco that he wasn't truly loyal to Voldemort, it would be the death of him. Draco wouldn't hesitate to turn him in, at least not at the moment. Eventually, he would be able to start showing his true colors, but for now, he was Severus Snape, Death Eater. 

He rose and showered, then headed down to the table for breakfast. Draco was there already. Draco greeted him, "Good morning Professor." "Good morning Draco." He quickly fixed himself some toast, and pored himself a glass of water. He then set about informing Draco of his meeting with Voldemort. Draco listened and understood. It was clear that Draco felt honored to be in Voldemort's presence even if it was only begging for forgiveness. He couldn't believe that this was the same kid he had heard about crying in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom. They finished eating, and he led him out of the house to apparate to the Dark Lord's side. He quickly put up his mental barriers, and with a pop, they were gone.

As they arrived at Voldemort's latest hideout he immediately went to kiss the hem of the Dark Lord's robes, and gestured for Draco to follow suit. Severus found himself begging for forgiveness, with Draco doing the same shortly after. Voldemort waved them off. He looked positively ecstatic. He spoke, "Well done Severus. For awhile I doubted your trust, but you have shown yourself a worthy servant. You killed the old man, now you are free to be one of a select few. You may now join my Inner Circle. Severus bowed to kiss Voldemort's robes, and murmured, "I am honored, my Lord." As he backed away, Voldemort turned to Draco. "And you Draco, you did well planning the attack on Hogwarts. I am well pleased with you also." Draco bowed and kissed the hem of the Dark Lord's robe in sheer worshipfulness, which made Severus sick. He wished he could draw Draco away, but if he did the Dark Lord's suspicion would arise yet again, and he wasn't about to risk that after what he was forced to do to get where he was now.

"Severus," the Dark Lord hissed, "Stay for a few minutes. Draco, you are dismissed. I believe you know how to apparate." Draco nodded and with a pop he was gone. "Severus," Voldemort hissed again, "Why didn't you allow Draco to complete the task. It was his assignment." Severus bowed down again. "I am sorry my Lord. I made an unbreakable vow with Narcissa Malfoy that I would help and even complete the task should Draco be unable. Draco wasn't able to complete the task. I finished it for him. Had I not many Death Eaters would be dead tonight. Forgive me. Please My Lord." He bent and kissed the hem of the Dark Lord's robes again. The Dark Lord after a moment ordered him to get up. "You should feel lucky that I am in a good mood today Severus. You will not be put under the Crucitus curse _this_ time." Bowing Severus said, "I am honored My Lord." "Now," The Dark Lord hissed, "Let me see his face when he died. _Legilimens!_" Taken off guard, Severus barely managed to push the memory of Albus's death to the front. He took a deep breath and blocked all the painful emotions from surfacing. It was extremely hard to relive the scene: shoving Draco out of the way, raising his wand, Albus's last words, casting the curse that ended his life. The Dark Lord pulled out of his mind satisfied, with a smirk on his face. "Serves the old man right." It was all Severus could do to smirk back and not be sick. "Severus, I am pleased with you." The Dark Lord hissed, "You are dismissed"

As quickly as he could without being too obvious Severus apparated away. When he reappeared a little ways from his cottage he emptied his breakfast from his stomach. He quickly Evancioed it away with a swish of his wand before proceeding into the cottage. Draco seemed most interested in what the Dark Lord had to say to him, which he managed to avoid by saying "I cannot share that information with you Draco. If the Dark Lord wanted you to know, he would have allowed you to stay." Accepting this though looking disappointed Draco nodded. After a few seconds he asked, "Would it be safe enough to go on a short walk sir?" No one was around for miles so Severus nodded warning him to take his wand.

With Draco gone, Severus was free to plan how to make Draco understand how horrible Death Eaters really were. As he thought about it, Draco was just like Severus was whenever he first joined the Death Eaters. He felt like he belonged. He continued on that train of thought. The one thing that bugged him the most during his early Death Eater days, and still sickened him to this day was how he saw his friends and innocents get tortured. If he could just use that to his advantage. Though, he would never intentionally get one of Draco's friends tortured. He had those young men as students for the past 6 years. Though, were it on the Dark Lord's bidding that they be tortured, he wouldn't hesitate to press his advantage. That would be the only way to make Draco see what the Death Eaters truly were.

Closing up that train of thought, he looked around. Were they to be living there for very long, he knew that they would need more food for what was in the fridge was running low, and also Draco would need more robes of his own. He quickly jotted a note to Draco, disguised himself and apparated to the nearest town. There, he bought enough food to last a year and several new robes for Draco. The town was small so even though it was a wizarding town, the news of Albus's death hadn't spread there yet. And even if it had, his disguise would hold well enough for him to do his shopping. After spending the afternoon there, he apparated back to his home to find Draco putting stew from the last time he was there onto plates. With a curt nod as thanks he flicked his wand and sent the groceries and Draco's robes to their proper places, and sat down to eat. He was most of the way through with his dinner when he felt a searing pain in his arm—The Dark Lord was calling him to his first meeting in the Inner Circle.

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A/N: Ha! Cliffie! I can write cliffies! shuts up Review and I might not leave you hanging...hehe 


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